Sunday, March 20, 2011

Not a good week.

It has been a week of bad decision making, negative emotions and stuff beyond my control going wrong. The idea of this blog is to write it all down and let it all go as of midnight tonight. So starting tomorrow (Monday) a wonderful week will start.

My motivation to workout has been non-existent. On Monday I went to a morning yoga class and then made excuses for every other day of the week. So for the whole week my exercise consisted of standing at work and the little bit of working out I do while I am coaching gymnastics. At the beginning of the week I thought, "Well, running is supposed to be fun, so I will take a day or two off because my mind clearly needs a few days." But that obviously turned in to a whole freakin week.
So my lack of exercising made me feel guilty and lazy which lead to mood swings (which were already bad enough with Aunt Flow in town) and then to bad eating decisions. When I run, I tend to crave food that is actually good for me ... food that fuels my body so that I can perform better. But because I was getting into a lazy pattern, I was sleeping more and craving sugary foods and coffee. And of course I caved to almost every craving.
I attempted to go to the gym last night, but they closed early for cleaning. I was 9pm, so it was too late and dark to run outside. Today I also attempted the gym, but that fell through and I remained on the couch for the evening. In order to make sure I get back out tomorrow, I text Pam. We are running together at 11am.

The whole student loan thing came up again this week. After they had declined me due to my immigration status a few months ago, I had put it behind me and started looking for other options. But last week a letter came in the mail to say that I had been accepted for the loan after all. I afraid to get excited. Dad called the loan company to see what it meant. After they explained to dad that all I had to do was accept the terms etc I called them to get ready to do so. I started getting excited thinking that I was finally going to return to school and finish my degree. Then on Friday morning I get a voicemail from the loan company saying that they were ready for my signature and that they just needed a few documents.
My heart sank at the word 'documents' because I knew they were talking about my permanent resident card, which I do not yet have. The tears started rolling before I even called them. I didnt want to call because I wanted to hold on to that tiny bit of hope they had given me. But I plucked up the courage to call. After a ten minute conversation I had come to realize that I was not getting the loan. I was devastated all over again and cried on my drive to work. Fool me once, shame on you ... fool me twice, shame on me.
A few months ago I told them to cancel my application ... they obviously didnt. It feels like they are dangling my future on a string in front of me and it is just out of reach.

So that has been my week. I am now taking a deep breath and hope that midnight will bring me to the greener grass. But dont get me wrong, there were some wonderful moments in my week ... My anniversary, I love my job at Native Foods and I love coaching gymnastics. So may my jobs and my love continue to fuel my life :)

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